It's bothering me!

        Ok something has really been on my mind for the past few days.... so here it goes. someone the other day posted on Facebook that... "If your money is not right, then your heart is not right." I've been chewing on this for a few days & so here is my conclusion... It's easy to have faith when things are going right. But what about when things are going wrong... How is our faith then? You could have money continually coming in, but if things ain't workin' then it ain't workin', no matter how much money is in the bank. Our faith can be shaken whither rich or poor.

      I heard a message that a preacher said a few weeks ago at church, he stated that their are three seasons of life... season one.. Flying, everything is going good, smooth like nothing is going wrong everything is going right, things are falling into place all of the time, and on and on.. season two.. running... A few bumps come in the road, but hey, you can defeat them cause you have confidence & can easily over take them no problem, but after awhile the bumps just keep on coming, which leads to season three... Walking.. the scripture says "Even though I  walk through the valley of  the shadow of death, I will  fear no evil, for  you are with me; your  rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalms 23:4 ESV) By then you are alone, even when you are surrounded by people you are alone & have no one else to trust except foe God alone & at times he feels so far away...

     What I have learned a few things through this walking process. One is to look up! keep your sights up above & at times... Yes, you will have to talk to yourself to encourage yourself in the Lord, but sometimes that is what you have to do & by this time their are no little phoney fake prayers... these are will be prayers when your driving in your truck with tears in your eyes begging God, to get you out of the mess that your in right now with the phone ringging every two miniutes because someone needs money! But the other thing that I learned is contentment... That's huge for a lot of people... Being content, by this time you don't care about fashion, clothes, what your driving, on & on.. your concern by this time is.... Is she coming home? I don't care about nothing else.. But is she coming home with our daughter? Will the power & water still be on when I get home, to wash the clothes that I have, to cook the meal that has been planned, to take a hot shower after a long brutal day of physical  & mental abuse (that i would be so hard on myself because we didn't make alot of money & that I should of went to college, because, my family would be doing so much better now!) We as belivers need to be careful especially when we are soaring... people normally ask sucessful people.. " tell me about your sucess whats it like?" When it should be "tell me abiut your struggle because it will help me through mine!"

My Sister Samantha!

I remember when my sister was born it was on October 10th 1987! & what a day that was, but lets start from the beginning before she was born, we will just roll with the 12 months... I remember my mom was pregnant, I think for about a month or two before my mother miscarried & I remember my father at the time came into my room & told me the news about the miscarriage & on how mom will need some space for a few days to heal up, & the family on on both sides were pretty sad.  I didn't quiet understand at the time why something like that would happen but because I was only in the seventh grade I was like well whatever not my problem.. & moved on & went fishing! Then April of 1987 mom & dad announced that they were pregnant again but they learned from the first time not to really tell the family for at least a month into the pregnancy because of the last experience with the consistent hounding from both sides of the family. So the announcement came & I was going to become a big brother to this little person that I had no idea who or what they were going to be, or on how this would effect my life as an only child I had some serious mixed reviews.. But anyway, Mom & dad revealed your name they had a name for a boy which I don't remember but when the name for a girl came about it was just nuts.. Grandpa Veins had a melt down cause he thought that every child now born should be named after who is ever in the bible, & grandpa Nolan thought that it was a witches name.. But our dad held strong & didn't back down from either.. Then you were born early in the morning & our dad that can be that total jackass told the doctors & nurses not to reveal who you were for about 2hrs cause he wanted to to be with mom for that time.. Cause the era that I was born fathers were not allowed to help with the birthing whatsoever, & I'm sure that dad wanted to just be in that soaking moment.. & I can relate when I was with Audrie for the first few seconds of her life & for me to give her her first bath.. Such an amazing moment that is burned in my memory forever.  And who knew because of you, I was in boot camp for my own daughter! But anyway, I became a big brother...  Skipping some stuff to now.. So here it is 2010 you moved in with us after your departure from another company & you wanted to get your life started out side of Yelm.. So Aimee & I were like let her move in! That way she can get things going & slowly go from our place to out their somewhere.. & what a timely time that was, because when I got diagnosed with the tumor, stuff hit the fan! & you really helped us a lot by being our live in nanny! Taking care of Audrie & taking care of our house to even cutting the grass! & you carried some of the weight when Aimee & I had to go to all sorts of clinics, but during this time I felt that our relationship went from brother sister to father daughter relationship.. Because when you got a boyfriend, my heart stopped because by this time I knew that you couldn't be little forever, kinda on how I would like for Audrie to take "stop in time pills" cause I really don't want her to grow up either.. But I know that their will be a day coming when she will be gone, as well with her own family her own life, but to me, she will always be my little girl. & I have to do the same for you. Watching you grow for 25 years has been amazing.. My favorite thing about you is your funny, quirky, strong personality. But yet, your secret compassion for people! All mixed together like a Heinz 57 sauce.. You turned out very beautiful & talented.  I see a queen in you! A queen that has beauty & talent. A queen that is in many ways becoming more & more a well rounded individual! What's interesting, because of our years apart,  I have became a better father because of you! Being able to understand my own daughter & how to guide her through this road of life. I love you Samantha & you are the best sister that a brother could have! Happy 25th birthday!

  Love,
 Your big Brother!

10 years!

Can you believe that it's been ten years that we have been married! I still remember the day when I first met you & the clothes that you wore & the first lunch date that we had when you were not feeling well, but, the most important thing to me was that you said YES to marry me, even though I'm sure that you went through the fire quietly with people telling you not to to it, probably because I was not top caliber type of material, but because of you I became a better man! It's amazing to me on how God so blessed me much more than what I deserve, I think about it often on truly a blessed man that I am to have a great & wonderful wife that truly understands me. Looking back on the past ten years we have grown a lot together. From the first year of marriage when we both went back to school, but, I dropped out cause I was working so many hours but I made sure that you got your education on getting your masters cause it was your dream to becoming a teacher, then we bought our first house & started our painting business with the encouragement of others but when I told them no on some stuff we were kicked to the curb so we were pretty much learning on our own which was another learning curve, but our business grew for a few years & we both worked hard to make it happen, then we had Audrie, our wonderful daughter, you really encouraged me that I was going to be a good dad when it came to raising her,then we delt with your Caesarian being infected & had to heal itself on the way out & when pastor Joel came ofer to our place & it smelled like dog poop cause Rudy was marking everything, then things calmed down for awhile, then the economy showed up & thats when our feet were really to the fire & it seems like the fire has been hanging out a little to long, but then within the year of 2011/2012 is when the flood came. We had no money, employees were taking whatever they could from us you were working three jobs & I was working part time & running the business full time & it was money was coming in & going out fast, but the bell ringer for the both is when we found out about my pituitary tumor & we couldn't have any more kids cause it caused me to no longer create any testosterone, but plenty of prolactin which I will understand you greatly when you hit menopause cause I had the same symptoms, but through all of this you never really freaked out, well on the outside you showed that you weren't freaking out but probably was! But anyway looking back at all of this & I'm sure that I am missing some stuff, you never left, I'm sure that you had your doubts but you never left & because of you Aimee Nolan I'm a very successful man & truly a blessed man! I'm glad that Jesus saved my life & blessed me with you, you make my life richer & full of excitement & ready for some more, Happy Anneversary Hun & looking forward to many more years. Love your husband!

moving forward.

It has been quite the trial some time for us in the Nolan household, but things are starting to calm down, I feel that I am coming back to normal with the inside of my body with this prolactin tumor, I feel that the meds are working thank God cause I couldn’t go on another day with man moody pms thing any longer. I have to tell you this whole no testosterone thing can really mess a man up! You start thinking thoughts that you would of never dreamed of thinking or some actions that you do, that you yourself know that is not normal. But, we are wining! I was thinking the other day about all of this situation of family, tumor & money and just wondering on when the ride is going to end, I would feel totally alone in some cases, I would even wonder if God was even beside me at times cause I couldn’t feel him near me at all, secretly discourage from all of this stuff going on. I would tell my wife when I would wake up some days & tell her I can’t wait to go back to bed so that I can quit thinking about it, or the tears that I would cry in secret in my truck gong from one job to the next because my heart was heavy from bad news for weeks, and it seemed like their was no end & also wondering if this was my lot in life of being a poor hardworking person that knows how to hook up and to produce and to make it happen. But you know for any man they will hit a wall, I guess that you could say a clarity for some or a midlife crisis for others where they are to young to be labeled as old or to old to be labeled as young, a cross road of life to the point to where men crack cause some has worked so hard to achieve and at times they don’t achieve it and they become tired and weary of this consistent fight of business, or life or whatever they are facing, but all I can really say is look up! Look up and make up your mind, that’s what I have been having to do, is to encourage myself (and lets not forget about my wife by my side either) because that is all what you can do, find things that encourage you, for me I would tell myself that it’s almost over, or we will win, or how can I be a minister to someone if I myself haven’t been through it, ect, ect, ect. That is what King David had to do, the same thing that the prodigal Son had to do when he was in the pen with the pigs eating what they ate (gross) but they both made up their minds to move forward and to beat whatever needs to be beaten, so I tell you look Up, make up your mind and move forward! Because you will win! And with my wife & I we will be able to look back on this & laugh and to say look what the LORD has done! He brought us through, even though we couldn’t feel him at times, he was always by our side!

It's gonna be ok.

Sorry it's been awhile, a lot has been going on since the last time I wrote, from money to my health. So first thing.. Business, within the past few years the painting industry has been harder & harder to work, between this crazy weather and with more people out of jobs, the market of any kind of labor, from painting houses to cutting grass is flooded with people that are hungry for work. It is what it is, we will just keep moving forward and later we will make the decision to close or ride it out a little longer. Now the next thing is my health I have learned that I have a pituitary tumor.. it's at 2.7cm about the size of a pretty good size thumb the crazy thing about this pituitary it controls everything from testosterone to hormones to mood changes to reproduction to eyesight.. a lot of stuff. You know, I can handle allot of things but this kind of news just about knocked me to my knees! It's scary!! Cause it's your brain, I'm thinking so differently than what I used to. Like with family, whats more important for my wife & daughter a ton of cash cause papa worked crazy hard, or no papa cause he worked crazy hard & died cause, he didn't take care of himself because he refused to go to the doctor to do a once a year checkup, which what's a few hours a year to live longer, I'm just sayin.. As far as what I am most grateful for is for my wife, my lovely bride of nine years today, she has really been beside me during all of this mess, and moving when I move, what I mean by that is when two people are on a bike your great on the straightaways, but when it comes to the curves people struggle cause one person wants to lean one way and another wants to lean another, but, during this crazy amounts of pressure to perform in business to make money & now this whole tumor thing, my wife has really been going trough this turn with me and leaning with me in this turn. But, the Lord is with us and walking with us, even though I may not feel that he is because the daily bad news (so it seems) that we been getting from phone calls, emails, and letters BUT GOD is with us & we can & shall recover from all of this, and because of this we will be able to minister to others because of my testimony. Well let me rephrase our testimony from my wife's own feelings to mine. We will make it cause I said so and If I cannot still give my wife the ultimate desire of a child after this operation that will be fine too.. We at least have a daughter together & some children here in the states need families that we are willing to take them in as their own, cause really we are all adopted sons & daughters in the kingdom. So it is well.. It is well with my soul.

Artificial Faith

So the other night my wife Aimee & I were talking about faith, just faith, just plain straight up faith. Faith in God faith in each other, ect..ect..ect.. But when I really started to chew on it, I believe that a lot of people no longer have faith, because of disappointment's in their life by the whole name it & claim it, which in turn it probably never comes, because, it's just so crazy of what we believe for, or the whole if you live your life "right" good things will happen. Those messages really cheese me off because there are people who do live their life right & they are just going through the fire of life, losing their jobs, families, homes, ect.. People then get disappointed, then ask God I did every thing right & how come this situation still happen to us, why did I lose my house, my job or my family. Now just to let you know that I am all for wealth & for having a good & healthy life, to have the ability to create jobs, to be a blessing, to write checks to churches that have a vision to help people, but in overall thinking about this I wonder if we look to God as a sugar daddy instead of Lord. God... If you scratch my back I will scratch yours.. I know that I shouldn't of bought this house that I couldn't afford, but I thought you want me to have these things? You know God does but it's all in timing of when, when we learned how to handle & to manage of what we already have, because then He will trust us with much more.

Today.

Wow!! I have a blog, which I am truly excited about I guess it's like a journal but people can read it and it will help me with my typing :) Anyway, our life has been interesting, Between the business and my wife not becoming pregnant because, I no longer create testosterone, life for us has been interesting. What comes to me in all of this is that God has something great in store for us
because if you really think about it, how can we minister to people that are hurting if do not go through it ourselves, didn't Jesus sit where the people sat themselves and have compassion for them? I know that He did.. Looking at this whole situation of our life & the struggles makes me very excited for ministry of some sort.. You know Aimee & I have a huge heart to see couples to become successful in their marriages, from money to communication, but I also have a heart for men to pull through for their families when especially when thing get hard, to many men throw in the towel when it gets hard, I know that a major part of those decisions is disappointment, they no longer have an adventure to live for except for paying the car note, bills & a mortgage, the light goes out in their eyes & the dream that they once had dies in their heart and they feel that they have nothing left.. & really a majority of that fault is religion to make men become more sensitive and it's killing them.. Jesus had a huge balance of being kind but to also the ability to fight back & to win, & as men that is what we need to do when things get hard we need to fight back!! I feel a preacher coming out of me!! I kinda like it.